When truth is divided, errors multiply.
~ Eli Siegel
Jack Handey Quotes
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but when I told that story around the campfire, nobody got scared.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmm boy!
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?
If there was a big gardening convention, and you got up and gave a speech in favor of fast-motion gardening, I bet you would get booed right off the stage. They're just not ready.
We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what really throws you into a panic.